


if this is your last night...

by damagederudite



Category: Divergent - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, Past Abuse, Prison, Self-Hatred, Self-destructive habits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:34:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29134143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damagederudite/pseuds/damagederudite
Summary: ... i want to spend it with you
Relationships: Evelyn Johnson-Eaton/Jeanine Matthews, Four | Tobias Eaton/Tris Prior
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Instead of killing her straight away, Jeanine is put on trial.

“You’re not the person that I thought you were.” Evelyn feels rage and disappointment bubble up inside her, the events of the past few years flooding back into her memory. She clenches her hands into tight fists - this is all too much. 

“No,” Jeanine shakes her head, standing up off of the stiff bed and crossing her arms across her chest defensively. “I’m not the person that you wanted me to be.” She lets out a small scoff as she stares at her. “You always knew who I was, always, it’s not my fault that you chose to ignore it.” 

Evelyn shakes her head. “I refuse to believe that. You were good once, you had good in you.” Pictures of a young Jeanine flood Evelyn’s mind. She sees her running after her in an attempt to catch up. She sees her scooping her into her arms as she cries and tells her what happened with Marcus. Then she looks back at the woman Jeanine is now. “Now you’re a monster.” she spits.

Jeanine feels a sharp pang in her stomach. She feels like her heart has just been ripped out. Swallowing hard, she composes herself. She can’t let Evelyn see that she has affected her. But Evelyn can see everything. She can see every emotion etched across Jeanine’s almost completely emotionless face. Jeanine is good at hiding her feelings, but Evelyn is far better at reading them. Jeanine wraps her arms around herself just slightly tighter, hugging herself. She swallows again. “Maybe that’s true.” 

That’s when Evelyn begins to feel bad. She doesn’t want Jeanine to feel like that, no matter what she has done, she doesn’t want Jeanine to believe that she is a monster. A strong urge to take her into her arms comes over her but she pushes it back down. She can’t do that. She can’t. “Maybe.” Evelyn says, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other.

“As much as I might see myself that way,” Jeanine steps towards Evelyn, her analytical eyes taking in every emotion shown on her face and body. “You don’t really believe that.” She arches an eyebrow. “Do you?” 

“It doesn’t matter what I believe, it’s what everyone else believes.” She looks out of the small window that Jeanine stands in front of. “There’s an outcry out there Jeanine. They want you dead.” 

Jeanine nods. “I know.” Her voice is void of emotion, her mind attempting to drown out the screaming anxiety that she currently feels. “But I’m going to ask you something and I want an honest answer. Can you do that?” 

Evelyn thinks for a moment, unsure whether she should agree to something like that. “Yes.” 

“What do you want?” 

It’s a simple question. Four words. Four words that make Evelyn think about everything in her life. What does she want? “My girlfriend back.” she blurts out, her eyes widening in shock. She didn’t mean to say that.

Jeanine falters slightly, unsure what to see in response to that. “Pardon?” 

“I want my girlfriend back.” Evelyn repeats, more sure of herself this time. She sighs, she might as well say what she thinks. “I want the girl who used to throw a huge binder of notes at my head in the corridors so that I wouldn’t fail my exams the next day…” Evelyn smiles a little when she remembers how many times she almost failed but didn’t thanks to Jeanine. “Sometimes the exam was even that day.” She walks towards Jeanine so that they are only inches apart. “I want you back.” she whispers. “These past few years haven’t been you.” 

“You can’t have me back.” Jeanine says harshly. “That girl that you talk about so often died years ago.” 

“How did she die? Actually, no, why did she die?” 

Jeanine shrugs. “Times change. People change.” 

“I never changed.” 

Jeanine can’t stop the shocked laugh that escapes her lips. “That’s a lie. You have changed so much. Marcus changed you so much.” 

Evelyn can’t argue with that, she knows that Jeanine is right. “It made me stronger.” She looks Jeanine up and down. “What did it do to you?” 

“Why can’t you believe that it made me stronger too?” Jeanine asks. She doesn’t cry as often anymore, she doesn’t get anxious when speaking in front of people as much as she used to and she no longer cries over Evelyn. 

“You were already strong.” 

Jeanine shakes her head. “No.” she whispers. “No, I wasn’t.” She looks down at her hands and tries to blink back the memories that are suddenly flooding her mind. “Everyone just thought I was.” She looks back up at Evelyn, the glistening of her tearful eyes showing.

“I’m sorry that I never noticed.” 

“It wasn’t you.” Jeanine’s voice cracks as she speaks but she pushes down the embarrassment. This is Evelyn, she doesn’t need to feel embarrassed. “It was everyone.” She wipes a stray tear from her eyes but they keep falling. “I had so much going on Evelyn - so much responsibility. I couldn’t always handle it.”

Evelyn reaches out and wipes the tears away. Jeanine lets out a small sob that she attempts to stifle with the cheap cotton of her sleeve and Evelyn pulls her close. “You did this for a reason.” Evelyn says more to herself than anyone else. “I won’t let you die.” She feels tears begin to well up in her eyes and she shakes her head. “I won’t let you die.”


	2. Chapter 2

Evelyn fidgets with her hands as she waits for her son and his girlfriend to walk into the meeting room. She looks around her. Jeanine used to sit exactly where she is sitting. Her mind goes back to the woman currently idly sitting around in a dark and dreary cell, awaiting her fate. Awaiting a fate that Evelyn hopes to, needs to, stop. 

Her head snaps up when she hears the door open and she sees Tris and Tobias walk towards her. “Hello,” she attempts to make her voice strong. “Please take a seat.” 

Tris says nothing and just sits down in front of Evelyn, whilst Tobias takes a slightly different approach. “Just tell us what you want and let's be done with it.” he says. He’s still angry and has absolutely no desire to entertain his mother and whatever she wants.

“I will tell you, please just sit down first.” Evelyn doesn’t want to tell Tobias what she called them here for until he is at least sat down. If he hears whilst standing up, he will just walk straight out of the door. 

Tobias grunts before throwing himself down next to Tris. He throws his hands up in the air. “Will you tell us now?” 

“It’s about Jeanine.” That’s all she has to say before both Tris and Tobias roll their eyes.

“Unless it’s about killing her, I’m not interested.” Tobias goes to stand but Tris pulls him back down. 

“Let her talk.” 

Evelyn gives a small smile and nod in Tris’ direction in thanks. “Okay, I’m not going to beat around the bush, it’s about maybe the possibility of keeping her alive.” Evelyn winces slightly, bracing herself for the reaction that she knows is to come. 

“Fuck no!” Tobias exclaims. He stands up and this time Tris doesn’t try to pull him back down, she follows suit.

Tris shakes her head. “No.” She looks at Evelyn with confusion etched across her face. She has always thought that Evelyn wants Jeanine dead to. “Why would you even suggest that?” 

Evelyn shrugs. “She had reasons.” she mutters. All of the confidence has gone out of her. She doesn’t know why she ever thought that she could do this. Jeanine’s going to die. Tears begin to brim in her eyes and she blinks them back. “Never mind.” she whispers. She looks down at her hands. “We will just wait for her trial I suppose.” 

“My thoughts exactly.” Tobias walks towards the door and swings it open, Tris following closely after him after shooting Evelyn one more confused look. She doesn’t understand why she looks so distressed.

When Evelyn is sure they are gone and aren’t coming back, she puts her head in her hands and sobs.

She’s too weak. She’s too weak. She’s too weak! 

Jeanine is going to die and it’s all her fault. 

She gets up, kicking the chair in with her foot and ignoring the throbbing pain that it causes in her toes. She runs out of the door, not caring about the weird looks that people give her as she runs all the way to the prison sector. 

“Open it.” she demands when she gets to the guard positioned outside Jeanine’s cell. She’s under maximum security. She is too smart to be left alone - too crafty. The guard gives her a slightly weird look when they see her tear stained face but opens the door anyway. “Shut it behind me.” she commands, she doesn’t need them to hear what she is going to be talking to Jeanine about. Her and Jeanine’s conversations have been, and always will be, confidential. They are private people. The guard gives her a small nod and Evelyn walks in.

Jeanine’s head turns towards Evelyn when she hears the harsh slam of the door. “You came back.” 

Evelyn takes in Jeanine’s appearance. She has been crying, that much is obvious to anyone. She looks down at Jeanine’s exposed arm and her attention is brought to the bloody fingernail marks. She shakes her head. “Jeanine,” She approaches her and takes hold of her arm, crouching down. “Don’t do that.” 

Jeanine looks down at what Evelyn is looking at and she laughs darkly. “I didn’t even realise,” She looks back at the wall. “I must have zoned out.” 

Evelyn sighs. Jeanine’s anxious. Can you really blame her? She is almost certainly going to be executed soon. “I tried to talk to Tris and Tobias about you today… They didn’t want to listen.” 

“I’m not surprised.” Jeanine looks at Evelyn, her grey eyes wide and sad. “Leave it be Evelyn.” She cups her cheek in her free hand. “Leave it be.” 

Evelyn shakes her head, biting back tears. “Never.” 

“You should go back to hating me.” Jeanine drops her hand and takes her arm away from Evelyn’s grasp. She looks out of the small slit window. Evelyn is trying too hard, it’s only going to hurt her more when the inevitable happens. 

“I never hated you.” That’s not a lie. No matter how much Evelyn may have once tried, she could never hate Jeanine. That’s why she just now admits it to herself, she loves her. “I love you too much for that.” she admits.

Jeanine turns back around. “Don’t say that.” Tears well up in her eyes. “Please don’t say that.” 

“It’s okay if you don’t love me back.” Evelyn shrugs away any disappointment. “You don’t have to.” 

“Evelyn,” Jeanine feels tears tumble down her ivory cheeks. “Of course I love you back.” She has loved Evelyn for as long as she can remember and she isn’t going to stop now. She will never stop loving her. “That’s why I need you to move on from me.” 

Evelyn shakes her head definitely. “I won’t.” She takes Jeanine’s hands and holds them tightly. “I can’t.” she whispers.

“You have to.” Jeanine shakes her hands with a sense of urgency, as though she is trying to wake Evelyn up from a bad dream. Maybe that’s all their relationship ever has been and ever will be, a horrible nightmare. A horrible nightmare that they allow to trick them into believing it’s a dream every now and then. “Evelyn, when I thought that you were dead… It destroyed me.” 

“I know, and I’m sorry.” 

“No, no, You don’t get why I am saying this.” Jeanine shifts slightly on the stiff prison bed. “I don’t want you to end up the same Evelyn. I need to save you from the pain that I experienced.” 

“I don’t need you to save me Jeanine,” Evelyn’s face turns incredibly sombre. “Not when I failed to save you.” 

“I’m not dead yet Evelyn, stop talking like you have just been to my funeral.” Jeanine releases her hands from Evelyn’s grip and wipes the tears from her eyes. “It’s all too much.” 

“You’re right.” Evelyn should have considered how all this talk would make Jeanine feel. She is talking about everything like her death is confirmed to be tomorrow. She might survive yet. It’s unlikely, but she might. “I’m just scared.” 

“Me too Evelyn.” Jeanine admits. She has been trying to keep her fear a secret. She has been attempting to appear unbothered by everything, unbothered by death. “Me too.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Why do you care so much about what happens to Jeanine?” Edward asks, placing a cup of water down in front of Evelyn and sitting down next to her on the bench. He studies her close, he has become concerned for her a lot more recently. Evelyn’s always a bit scatty, distracted. She always seems a little lost, her mission to eradicate the factions is the only thing that keeps her pinned down. Now, she appears to have completely lost that. Now, she seems so oddly focussed on the one woman that everyone believes that she hates. 

“What makes you think that I care?” Evelyn takes a sip of water. She makes herself appear unbothered. 

“Don’t try to deny it.” Edward shuffles closer, invading Evelyn’s personal space in an attempt to make her more vulnerable. It’s almost impossible to make Evelyn open up. “You care about her, don’t you?” 

“So what if I do?” 

“So what if you do?! Evelyn, she’s going to be executed!” Edward exclaims. 

Evelyn turns to the side, looking at him incredulously. “That’s what you are bothered about? Not the fact that she is soon to be put on trial for murder and treason?” 

“I don’t care about her.” Edward says bluntly. “I care about you.” 

Evelyn sighs. “Maybe I care about her, maybe I don’t.” She looks down at her lap, fighting with the hem of her shirt. She pushes back the thoughts that flood her mind every time she thinks of Jeanine’s fate. “It doesn’t matter either way,” She looks back up, staring Edward straight in the face. Her face is stern, serious. “She is going to die no matter what.” She stands and walks away, leaving Edward to stare after her. 

She blinks back the tears brimming in her eyes and makes her way back to Jeanine’s cell, she needs to spend more time with her. She needs to feel her one more time. She needs to see her smile one more time. That probably won’t happen. What on Earth is there to smile about? 

The guard opens the door with no questions asked. They have grown used to Evelyn’s visits. Evelyn gives them a small smile and nods in thanks before entering the small cell and hearing the door lock behind her. She looks at Jeanine. 

The blonde is asleep, breathing heavily and her face contorted into a look of fear. It seems as though she is in a nightmare. Evelyn hears a whimper as she approaches her. She crouches down besides the bed and begins to stroke Jeanine’s soft hair in comfort. “Shh.” she soothes. “Everything’s okay.” No it’s not. 

Jeanine’s eyes slowly begin to open and her face becomes slightly more relaxed when she sees Evelyn beside her. “Evelyn?” she whispers.

Evelyn nods. “Yes, it’s me.” 

Jeanine wraps the rough blanket tight around herself. “You shouldn’t be here.” she mutters. “I keep telling you to stop coming.” 

“And I keep ignoring you.” 

Jeanine shakes her head in a disapproving manner but there is a small smile on her face. So small that only someone that knows her as well as Evelyn could ever identify the slight curling up of her lips as a smile. At least Evelyn got what she wanted, she saw her smile. “You always liked to challenge authority.” 

“Just like you.” Memories of Jeanine being called into the counsellor’s office for countless different things flood her memory. That time Jeanine threw a book at a Candor’s head after they kept taunting her. That time that she snapped and shouted at a Dauntless girl, telling her that she was ugly anyway, when she wouldn’t stop asking Jeanine if she found her attractive. The time that ended badly for both of them when their faction history teacher found out that Jeanine had written all of Evelyn’s essays for three terms straight. 

Jeanine nods. “I was a naughty one.” She smiles softly. “Clearly that stuck with me.” 

Evelyn laughs but she doesn’t know whether it’s because otherwise she would cry or whether it’s because the joke is actually genuinely funny.

“Your trial is tomorrow.” Evelyn doesn’t want to break the moment but she has to. Clearly no one else has told her judging by the reaction plastered across Jeanine’s bare face.

“Oh?” Jeanine’s eyes are wide and she feels her whole body begin to tremble. “Well… That’s soon.” All other words escape her.

“If they decide that you are to be,” Evelyn swallows hard, struggling to get the word out. “Executed, it will not actually happen until the day after. You will have another night.” 

“Another night to think about my pending doom.” Jeanine isn’t a fool, she knows that it’s much more of a punishment than anything else. Evelyn, on the other hand, is grateful. She will need that extra day with Jeanine if the worst happens. 

“I’m so sorry that this has happened.” Evelyn stands and perches herself on the end of Jeanine’s bed. Jeanine moves slightly so Evelyn can be more comfortable and sit closer. “What are you going to plead?”

“Guilty.” Jeanine replies simply. She is guilty. That’s how she will be found so that’s how she shall plead.

Evelyn nods, there’s the death sentence. Despite how much she wishes that things could be different, she knows that it’s the right thing for Jeanine to do. They will almost certainly use the truth serum on her and she will be found guilty. Maybe, just maybe, they will take pity on her if she owns up to what she did.

“You’re very brave.” Evelyn runs her knuckles over Jeanine’s face. She bows her head down and kisses Jeanine softly on the forehead. “So brave.” she whispers. 

Jeanine sits up, leaning on her elbows. “Not brave.” A smile spreads across her lips. “Incredibly stupid.” 

“No.” Evelyn shakes her head. “You’re not stupid. You did what you had to do, anyone else would have done the same, Jeanine.” 

Jeanine shrugs her shoulders. “Maybe,” She tilts her head to the side. “Maybe not.” 

“I think I would’ve.” Evelyn says definitely.

Jeanine removes one of her arms from under her and reaches out to trace Evelyn’s chapped lips with her finger. “Hmm.” she hums softly. “I don’t know.” She makes a face. “You are far too soft for that.” 

Evelyn shakes her head, grinning. “Whatever happens, I need you to know that I will never forget about you.” 

Jeanine smiles, nodding slowly as tears begin to brim in her watery eyes.


End file.
